Jokes !!!

why did the man with 1 hand cross the road1??

TO GET TO THE SCOND HAND SHOP!?!?!?  thats the best 1! lol

This scene is taken place at Wilchird school in Windsor and is between a teacher and a pupil at lunch 

teacher : Eat up all your beef its full of iron

boy      : No wonder its so tough! 

(an evil plan to rule the world . . . . . . . as if i'd tell you!)

SUBJECT: SCARY JOKES!

What's a vampire's favourite sport?
Batminton!

What do you call a werewolf that drinks too much?
A whino!

Where did the witch get her furniture?
From the ideal gnome exhibition!

Why didn't the skeleton go to the party?
He had no body to go with!

What happened at the cannibal's wedding party?
They toasted the bride and groom!

How can you tell if a corpse is angry?
It flips its lid!

What do witches eat at Halloween?
Spooketti, halloweenies, devils food cake and booberry pie!

What do you call a hairy beast with clothes on?
A wear-wolf!

Why did the witch go over the mountain?
Because she couldn't go under it!

Why didn't the skeleton want to play football?
Because his heart wasn't in it!

Why was the cannibal looking peeky?
Because he had just eaten a Chinese dog!

why did tigger and piglet look down the toliet?

to look for POOH.

poppy

 the mum scoobie said to the young scoobie what are you going to do

watch scoobie doo where are you !

ha ha

not i no its bad

what do you do if a ghoul rolls his eyes at you?

just pick them up and roll them back!

COOL JOKE, HUH?

Why are elephants big, grey and wrinkly?

Beacause if they were small, white and round, they'd be an aspirin!

By the way, I did not get that from that website.

Why is Mount Everest such a good listener?

Because it has so many mountaineers!

Why do Egyptian pyramids have doorbells?

So you can Tut-en-kam-en   

One day a man went up to a doctor and said

"DOCTOR DOCTOR I have a pain.

The doctor said

Where is it then?

The man said it is my sister she is being a pain!!!!!!!

The doc said "SHUT UP you where in here yesturday complaining about it so get lost

GET IT

WHAT EVER!!

what is grey and has a trunk

a mouse going on holiday

There was an Englishman,a Scotsman and anh Irishman, they had all been captured by these evil people.So the bad men were gonna shoot the Englishman first and the leader said "Ready men aim", but before they could shoot the Englishman shouted "LIONS"pointing behind the bad men.While the bad men turned around to see the lions (which the Englishman made up)the Englisman ran into the forest."oh well" said the leader of the bad men "weve still got the Scotsman". So the Scotsman walked forward and the leader said "ready aim", but again before the bad men could shoot the Scotsman the Scotsman shouted "TORNADO". While the bad men turned round to see if there really was a tornado the Scotsman ran into the forest. "Oh well" said the leader "Weve still got the Irishman". So the Irishman walked forwardsand the leader said "Ready aim", but this time the Irishman said "fire". So instead of the bad men looking behind themselves they did what the Irishman ordered them to do and they shot him. 

Knock knock 

who's there? 

little boy

little boy who ?

little boy who can't reach the door bell !

A bear walks into a pub and says:

"Can I have.....................

..........

.........

.........

........

........

.........

.......

a pint of Guinness please"

The barman looks puzzled and says:

"Why the large paws?"

<drum-break> <crash> (Itharnkyow)

Ax

what did the tramp say to the boy!!!! find me a home so the boy goes ok ill find you a home squirt!!! AND WHAT DID HE SAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HOME SWEET HOME!!!!!!!!!                                             LOL (very funny)   dude respect!!!!!!

what do you call a deer with no eyes ?

NO I DEAR!!!!  

HA HA HA

What did Adam and Eve say to god when he made the world?

What a waste of space!!  HA HA HA.

What do you call a train full of toffy?

A chew chew train

      Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha

What do ducks watch on T.V.?

Duckumentries!!

Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha      

Knock Knock                           Knock Knock

Who's there                             Who's there 

Paris                                        Norway

Paris Who                                Norway

Paris the pepper please              Norway to treat a lady!

What do you call a man wearing paper underwear????????????????

Russel

He He Ha Ha

why are gold fish orange????????????

because the water makes them rusty!

there were 3 men called Shutup ,Trouble and Manners

one day Trouble got lost  so Manners and Shutup went to the police station. Manners sat on the doorstep while Shutup went inside.The policeman said ''Whats your name" Shutup said'' Shutup".''Whats your name"said the policeman''Shutup" said shutup".Where are your manners" said the policeman"Sitting on the doorstep" said Shutup.''Your looking for trouble"said the policeman'' Why indeed I am"said Shutup.

why did the farmer plough his field with a steamroller

to grow mash potato

why did tigger look down the toilet?

-to look for pooh

from hiccy and issy

what do baby apes sleep in?

Apricots

you should be laughing

by popppy

There was two crisps and another crisp who had just arrived in a car and said to the other two crisps "would you like a lift" and the two other crisps said "no thanks we're Walkers!!!!!!!!!!!!

why was the mushroom so popular because he was a fungi to go with

why did the skelton not go to the party

because he had no body to go with

what did the sheep say to the man

why did you make a  wolly hat out of my wool????????????

whats red and black and read all over??????????????

a news-paper?????????????????hahahahahahahahaha

Why do lions wear fur coats?

Because they'd look stupid in a red plastic raincoat!!!

(that was kinda bad sorry)

why did the cannibal live on his own?

he was fed up with other people!

what sort of star is dangerous?

a shooting star!

i have sent alot of jokes, haven't i?

There was an English man, a Scottish man and an Irish man.  They were walking in the woods and they came across a magic slide.  Then then saw a ghost who told them "If you go down the slide and whilst you are going down shout out what you desire, then you will land in a pot of your desire"... then he disappeared.

The English man, who was brave and noble, decided to give it a go... He shouted out "GOLD !!" and landed in gold. 

The Scottish man did exactly the same, but shouted "SILVER !!"...

Then the Irish man forgot all about shouting his heart's desire and cried "WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE !!" (as you do)  all the way down and ... landed .. yes, you guessed it, in wee.

Nice

WHY SHOULD YOU NEVER PLAY CARDS IN THE JUNGLE?

THERE ARE TO MANY CHEETAHS AROUND

WHY DID MICKEY MOUSE GO INTO SPACE ?

TO FIND PLUTO

where do hamsters like to go on holiday

Amster dam

why did dracula sqeeze his girlfriend to death 

cause he had a crush on her

Why can you run faster when you have a cold?

Because you have a racing pulse and a running nose!           

why does dracula have no friends

because he is a pain in the neck

why did tigger look down the toilet?

to look for pooh!

Walked in to a bar last night.....................................iron bar.

2 Cannibals eating a Clown. One says to the other "Does this taste a little funny to you?"

Ed and James are in the Pub, James says to Ed "your round" and Ed replies "so are you, you fat b....rd!"

Two Aerials met on a roof - fell in love - got married.......................................... The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome" Doc responds. "Is it common?" asks the patient, Doc replies "It's not unusual"

What goes cackle cackle bonk?

A witch lauging her head off     

hello i have done loads of jokes b4 so i wont do any now

why is the graveyard noisy

there is a lot of coffin around

what happened to the naughty chick

it got eggspelled

A man walked into a bar with a newt on his shoulder.

The man said " can I have a jug of beer and a lemonade for tiny". 

The man at the counter said " yes, of course, but why is he called tiny?".

The man said " because he's my newt!!"

from James.  Hope you get well soon.

Another joke this time from Peter:

Why did the cow cross the road?

............................... ( any ideas Marcie?)

To get to the udder side!

And an Easter joke from both of us:

What do you get if you pour hot water down a rabbit hole?

Hot Cross Bunnies!!

How do fleas get from one place to another?

They itch hike!

Where do you find giant snails?

At the ends of giants' fingers!

What do you call a cheif executive (your boss if you didn't know what it meant) with custard in one ear, and squashed bananas in the other ear?

Anything you like, he can't hear you!

What happened  to the mad vampire?

He went a little batty!

What did the tie say to the hat?

You go on a-head and I'll hang around!

My brother is a teenager did you know

Random

A MAN WALKED INTO A BAR

                                     OUCH!!!!!!

A man walks into a butchers shop and says      " Have you got a sheeps head?"

The butcher replies   " No, its the way I brush my hair!"  LOL!!!!

what did the squirral say to the turtle

dont shell out for a taxi

what happend to the grape that got squeshed??????????

it let out a little wine  hahahahahahaha ????????????????????????????????

a man walked into a bar ouch?????

What did the Mummy chimney say to the baby chimney?

You're too young to smoke!

Geddit?

Whatever

There was an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman. they were in a boat and there was a storm that blew them away to the land of nod (or thereabouts anyway).They were in the middle of the ocean. Then they saw a bottle. They picked it up. There was a note inside. They pulled it out and read the note. It said:

Read these words aloud,

as it will form a cloud.

And in this cloud you'll see,

a je-ee-nee.

Don't ask him why he's here,

he'll only clip your ear.

Ask him what to do,

and he will tell you.

It was spelt all like this and they read it aloud. Then they saw a cloud. In the cloud was a genie. They asked him what to do. He said they had three wishes. The Englishman said:

I wish I was at home with my wife and kids.

Then the Scotsman said:

I wish i was at home with my partner.

Then they went to where they wished while the Irishman thought about it. Then he said:

I wish I was back here with the other two.

So that happened. They are still out there somewhere, i know it.

(i made most of this up)

will you remember me in a miniute?

Will you remember me in an hour?

will you remember me in a week?

will you remember me in a month?

will you remember me in a year?

knock knock , who's there?" you forgotton me already"?

knock knock

who's there?

scott

scott who?

scott nothing to do with you!!!!!!

there once was a magic slide and if you went down it and shouted something while you were going down it, you land in a bucket of it!

the first man went down it and shouted gooold! and landed in apot of gold.

the second man went down it and shouted teddys! and landed in apot of teddys.

and so the third man went down and didt understand what was the slide for, so shouted wwweeeeeeeeeeeeeee! and landed in apot of wee.

What story do little ghosts like to hear at bedtime ?

Ghouldilocks and the three scares !

What Do You Get When You Pour Hot Water Down A ®abbit Hole???

HOT CROSS BUNNIES!!!!!    Oh Yeah thats a good 1

what do you call a man with no hair ?

Boiled Egg !!

knock knock

whos there?

boo

boo hoo

no need to cry its only a joke

i was near christmas day  at a school and the teacher asked  " What would u like 4 christmas?" she asked three childeren! 

Judy said " i would like a new dolly!"

alex said " i would luv to have a new bike!"    all the answers were normal untill it got to JAMES!!!!!!

james said "  I WOULD LIKE A NEW BUM!?!?!?!"

" why" the teacher asked   james reeplied " because mine has a crack in it! " lol

poppy

xxxxxxxx

what happens if a baby eats rice crispies

it goes snap,crackle and poop.

SUBJECT : ELEPHANTS

whats grey and wrinkled and light up

an electric elephant.

what do elephants do in a back of a mini?

play squash.

WHAT GOES BLACK WHITE BLACK WHITE

A NUN ROLLING DOWN A  HILL

HA HA HA HA HA

why did the teletubunies go in  the same loo????????????????/

They only had 1 tinky winky

lol